


I won't Going Out Swinging

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Road Trips, They talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28202922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: "Suddenly Dean didn’t want to die anymore. He didn’t want to fuck off to the ends of the earth only to drop off the surface.He wanted a life. Fuck him for wanting a life."***Dean is lost once the world doesn't end and there's no more big bad thing to kill. So after a petty fight, Dean and Cas go on a road trip to get used to a world that isn't controlled by Chuck, finally allowed to adjust to the idea of letting themselves be honest with themselves and each other.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester (mentioned)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 119





	I won't Going Out Swinging

**Author's Note:**

> Semi-inspired by Cowboy Like Me by Taylor Swift, but it's such a good DeanCas song I might have to write another fic to it as well :) look out for many more Evermore Destiel fics
> 
> I'm very proud of this fic, I hope you enjoy it <3

Dean Winchester knew he would go out swinging. Coughing up blood or drowning in his own guts. He would go out with wild eyes and a gun in his hand, a blade through his chest or a stake in his back. He would go out messy, with adrenaline seeping out as he loses blood, eyes wide and terrified. And no one would miss him but Sam.

His body would be burnt, the funeral would be lonely and dry, Bobby might show if he lives long enough, Sam might try to bring him back if Dean doesn’t get a chance to tell him not to.

Dean Winchester did not want to go out bloody and scared, but he knew what being a hunter meant. He had made peace with it.

In the end, hell-hounds ripping ribbons of his skin and his guts being left in a puddle around his hell bound body... it made sense to him. He was always meant to go out bloody. At least he did it to save his brother, his one true purpose fulfilled.

But that wasn’t the end, was it? Of course not, the world was too cruel, or too kind, he couldn’t decide. And Castiel was very much the same.

Castiel was anything but cruel, but the universe was cruel for bringing him right to Dean because Castiel was too kind and far too much for Dean to comprehend. He was a dick at first, just like the rest, but he was never like the rest of the angels, not completely. He had doubts. He had feelings.

He had feelings about Dean.

And of course that couldn’t be looked at. That couldn’t be focused on. Not with the impending apocalypse, not ever. Dean didn’t have time to deal with much else besides the gun in his hand, it’s target, and the unhealthy need to look after his brother like their father never could.

And things didn’t change for a while, not really, even when everything was different… ultimately his goals were the same. 

Protect Sam. Kill monsters. Save the world. Protect his family. Kill demons. Stop the apocalypse. Protect everyone. Kill angels. Stop Chuck.

Then suddenly, his little brother wasn’t the only person who mattered. They had a real family. They had Cas. And he was scared, because he cared for Cas differently then he cared for Sam. He cared for Cas the way he was never supposed to care about another man. Or anyone, not in this life, it was too dangerous. But Cas is an Angel, and Dean has never been straight, he’s not gonna kid himself.

His narrative became; Don't let Cas die. Don't let Cas leave. Don't let Cas get hurt. Don't stare too hard. Don't touch him for too long. Don't reach out. Don't open up. Don't think about it, just... just keep him safe. Keep them all safe.

And maybe it had been like that all along.

Suddenly Dean didn’t want to die anymore. He didn’t want to fuck off to the ends of the earth only to drop off the surface. He wanted beach vacations and fruity drinks with tiny goddamn umbrellas. He wanted karaoke bars and not having to worry about what lurked in the parking lot. He wanted Christmas Eve with Jody and Donna and the girls, he wanted fishing trips with Jack. He wanted family barbecues because they had a day off work at a normal job, not because the world might be fried and crispy by sunrise.

He wanted a life. Fuck him for wanting a life.

He hunts as vicious as ever, the blade falling just as heavy in his hand as it always has. Slicing through skin as easy as it always will. He hunts like he was made for it, and he was. He was made for thick blood and red eyes and slit throats. He was made for gunshot wounds and suffering. Watching his baby brother die, keeping the bodies of people he loves in the living room like maybe they’ll wake up if he doesn’t burn them. He was made for this. 

Somehow, Dean finds himself standing at the edge of the universe. He’s staring out at a bloody sea, the rain falls heavy like heaven’s tears as God chokes on air by his feet. He doesn’t know what he’ll do now. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to live without something to kill. But when they get home, Cas settles down beside him with a glass of whiskey and a smile. 

Sam goes to bed early with his laptop, he’s on Skype with Eileen before his bedroom door even closes, leaving Dean and Cas alone with the alcohol. Cas sips his drink while Dean gazes at him, wondering if Cas feels the effects of drinking. If he’s human yet. 

“What do we do now?” Cas asks quietly.

“I don’t know.” Dean sighs. “We hunt?”

Cas nods thoughtfully. “I guess so.” 

“Or we could… settle down.” 

“Settle down?”

“Yeah. Retire. Hang up the trenchcoat,”

“And do what?” Cas tilts his head wonderingly. Dean shrugs, finishing his glass and pouring another one, he tops off Cas’ too.

“I’m not sure.” He shakes his head. Looking at Cas in gentle awe, like he’s still the angel who could smite a demon with a single touch.

So they drink and talk and drink some more and they end up closer than they were when they first sat down, but neither of them move and neither of them mind. Dean puts his hand on Cas’ thigh for leverage when he stands up and Cas stumbles after him, catching himself with a hand on Dean’s shoulder. They leave their empty glasses out and their blood stained jackets draped carelessly over their chairs and they head to bed, lazily brushing shoulders as they make their way to their rooms. Giggling, they trip over each other when Cas turns abruptly towards his bedroom door. Dean thinks Cas must be nearly human. He seems just as tipsy as Dean is. They fall asleep in separate rooms and separate beds. Worlds away. Dean’s never felt so lost and so at home at once.

They don’t stop hunting. Not right away at least. There are a few close encounters and a few injuries that don’t heal when they should and a fight that leaves Cas locked in his room and Dean driving aimlessly. 

He parks in front of a bar, checks his face in the mirror and heads inside. He hasn’t hooked up with anyone in… years? Something feels wrong as he scopes out the nearly empty bar for someone who catches his eye. The bartender slides his drink across the counter and pulls around a stool to take a seat across from him. He takes her in, faded sea-green hair chopped jaggedly at shoulder length, big hoop earrings and black lipstick, eyeliner sharp enough to slice a man's heart right in two. He smiles at her, but his heart isn’t in it.

“You alright, man?” She asks after a minute.

“You a therapist?”

“I’m a bored bartender and you’re drinking at seven on a Wednesday.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Dean admits after a while.

“Not many people do.” She says. “So are we talking career? Love? Family, friends?”

“Career? Love… all of it?” Dean rubs a hand down his face, he doesn’t want to bother her, but she looks kind, “I’ve always had a purpose, a responsibility, and now… we’ve taken care of it, we’re free. I’m not sure what to do now.”

“Well, what do you want? You must have had some fantasies, right?” She asks, Dean nods. Cas pops up in his head, carding gentle fingers through unruly hair, warm arms around shaking shoulders, soft smiles and lazy morning kisses. Something that he was never meant to have.

“I guess so. I just want to live…”

“Maybe some time will help you figure things out. You know what I did?” She asks, Dean looks at her with interest and she leans forward. “I bought this old school bus and filled it with all the shit I needed the most, I grabbed my girlfriend, and we just drove. For weeks. We ended up engaged. There’s no rush.” She smiles. “I don’t think at least… I don’t know you.”

“There’s no rush.” Dean shakes his head smiling. “Not anymore. A road trip might be nice. Congratulations by the way.”

“Thank you. So you going on this alone? You got a friend? A partner…?”

“Yeah, kinda. My friend and I fought, actually. That’s why I’m here. He, uh. He was being a dumbass and I was being ‘over protective’” Dean rolls his eyes. “He’s probably gonna leave now.”

“Why would he leave?” She asks. Dean looks down into his drink.

“I think he’s been looking for a reason to leave for a while now.”

“I’m sorry.” She sighs. “Maybe you should talk to him about it. Work things out?” 

Dean nods. He takes another sip of his drink, it’s almost gone now. She offers to refill it, but he shakes his head, sliding the empty glass with ice away. He doesn’t say anything for a minute, letting himself stew in self pity and anger and confusion. When he speaks again, his voice is rough and quiet.

“I don’t wanna do this alone,”

“Then talk to him.” 

Dean doesn’t actually talk to him for another two days. He packs his bags, ignoring Sam’s worried glances and Cas’ avoidant eyes. He packs lightly, trying to leave most of his weapons behind, but he’s a hunter. He can’t go completely unprotected. 

On day three, he carries his duffel to his car. Cas watches him sadly. Guiltily. Dean looks away.

“You got a hunt?” Sam asks.

“Nope.”

“Where are you going?”

“Not sure.” He lets the door slam behind him.

Sam looks like he’s in unprecedented territory. Dean has ran off before, but this time it’s different. This time there’s no end of the world. When Dean comes back inside for the cooler, he stops, looks at Cas.

“You comin?”

“Me?” Cas asks, eyes squinting. 

“Yes, you. Are you coming?”

“I’m not packed.”

“Then go pack. We got time.” Dean says. He lifts the beer cooler and the snack cooler and carries them both to the impala in one trip.

They haven’t apologized, but the silent treatment is broken and Cas is ready to go less than an hour later, he doesn’t have many belongings. Sam still hasn’t said much, but he seems to get the memo that he isn’t invited. While Cas packs, Dean sits down with his brother.

“So you’re leaving?” Sam asks, Dean looks at his brother and shakes his head.

“Not for good, don’t worry. I think we’ll just drive for a while.”

“With Cas?”

“With Cas.”

“Good for you, Dean.” Sam smiles.

“It doesn’t mean anything, Sam.”

“Sure it doesn’t. Take him to every stupid burger joint you pass, alright?” 

“I will. Don’t get yourself killed while I’m gone.”

“I won’t. I’ve got Eileen.” Sam smiles. “Keep me updated. You’re road tripping, not dropping off the face of the Earth. I expect pictures.” 

“You got it,” Dean promises.

Finally, driving feels exhilarating. He lets Cas choose the music first, and he doesn’t regret it when Led Zeppelin comes on. The windows down, pedal to the metal. Dean sings along with the song.

They go everywhere. They do everything. They go on hikes through mountains and stand under freezing waterfalls and they go to all the museums Cas found online. They go to the grand canyon and Dean can feel Cas’ awe beside him, having never seen it from the human perspective before. Dean tears his gaze from Cas’ face and looks at the rocks. He feels like he’s falling. Not the aimless, hopeless, descent from the painful reality of their life into hell, but a peaceful falling… The pleasant drop in his stomach every time Cas laughs at his jokes, the twisting in his chest when Cas looks at him like Dean is the only thing he sees.

They sleep in dingy hotel rooms sometimes, but usually they just lay across the seats in Baby and sleep there. Then Cas convinces Dean to get a tent and they find a nice clearing in the woods and set up camp for a few days.

They talk about everything and anything except for the big thing they need to talk about most. They know they have time, they’ll get to it eventually.

Sometimes Dean can’t help but think they were doomed from the start. He aches for Cas with everything in him. He always has. He feels like he’s been impaled when he thinks of Cas’ body lifeless and burning on the pyre. He wakes up sobbing some nights with Cas’ name stuck in his throat and images of him bleeding out still fresh in his mind. He would never love again. He doesn’t say it though. Cas holds him on those nights and when they wake up, they don’t acknowledge it, they only exchange smiles meant for only each other and move apart.

The minute Cas laid a hand on him in hell, he was lost, but it was never supposed to be that way. He wasn’t supposed to fall. Yet here he was, ketchup on his cheek and cowboy hat on crooked and Dean still hasn’t apologized, but neither has Cas. Not with words, but the way they look at each other… the way they share silence and then fill it with banter and conversation. It feels like forgiveness. 

“I was scared, Cas.” Dean says one night, finally. Cas looks at him, the campfire casting an orange glow across his face. His eyes are full of stars and he’s looking right at Dean.

“I’m not going to apologize for saving your life, again.” Cas says, Dean scoffs, exasperated. “But I should have told you my grace was fading.”

“Yes. You should have.” Dean nods. “Why didn’t you?”

“I wasn’t sure if you would still want me there.”

“What the hell do you mean? Of course we’d still want you there.”

“In the past, I know I’ve not been of much use without my powers. I wouldn’t wish to burden you,”

“Sam and I are human, and we do just fine. We don’t keep you around just ‘cause you’re an angel Cas, I thought you knew that.”

“I do. I know you wouldn’t kick me out again. But I would feel bad staying knowing I couldn’t help.”

“I thought you just didn't want to stay.” Dean whispers, hesitant. Cas’ hand finds his, squeezing gently. If Dean were to look up from their joined hands and into Cas’ eyes, he would see the guilt and desperation and love Cas holds for him. But he keeps his eyes cast downward at Cas’ hand rubbing soothing circles over his knuckles.

“I would never want to leave you, Dean. I chose you over heaven countless times, why would I do that if I wanted to leave? I didn’t want to impose.”

“You’re never imposing. Sometimes you’re the only thing that feels good in this world.”

They hash out everything that night. Every sick and twisted feeling, every insecurity and fear and fight. They get it all out in the open and it’s new for Dean. It’s new for Cas too, but it feels good. Dean doesn’t kiss him, and he thinks he should have, but he was scared out of his fucking mind, he may have opened up that night, but he still wasn’t perfect. He still had a lifetime worth of trauma and experience in suppressing emotions. He was scared shitless. Cas takes his hand back eventually and Dean puts out the fire while Cas puts away the food. 

As promised, Sam gets pictures. In fact, everyone gets pictures. Sam starts a groupchat with Jody, Donna, Charlie, Bobby, Eileen, Dean and Cas. They send selfies of them in front of waterfalls and pretty trees and funny road signs. Dean makes Cas pose in front of a town sign that has a crudely drawn angel on it, and in retaliation, Cas sends a picture of Dean getting uncharacteristically excited about feeding ducks, only for them to follow him around for the rest of the afternoon. Dean takes pictures of Cas from across diner booths and Cas takes pictures of Dean driving, before Dean teases him and makes him get in on the picture. So they end up with too many selfies of them in the car, Dean driving, Cas taking the picture from the passenger seat.

Sam and Eileen send pictures back, Sam at the stove, Eileen with a machete looking badass as fucking hell. Selfies of them at fancy restaurants that they definitely shouldn’t be able to afford but with Charlie’s credit card they can afford almost anything. 

They get pictures of Jody and Donna and Cas is convinced they’re dating. Dean doesn’t see it at first, but then Claire sends a picture of the two of them watching a movie together and Dean thinks they work well together. They get updates on the girls. Claire and Kaia, Patience, Alex and her boyfriend. Jack drops into the bunker with Sam and Eileen and they send a family selfie and Dean texts back that he misses them in all caps and things feel like they should. 

He doesn’t belong here. He doesn’t deserve this. He wasn’t meant for this.

But he’s here now and he’s not fucking letting it get away. 

“When we get back, are we going to hunt again?” Cas asks. They’re on their way through New Mexico.

“Do you want to?”

“It’s not my passion.”

“Then we won’t. We can settle down. You and me.”

Cas nods and Dean thinks he catches a smile, he turns away, like that will hide his face, but Dean can tell he’s grinning anyway. Dean grins back.

Cas is out picking up food while Dean relaxes in the first motel they’ve gotten in nearly a week. Dean is on the phone with Sam.

”How’s life on the road?”

“Good.” Dean nods. “We’ll be headed back home, finally… but I think it’s been pretty enlightening.” 

“Enlightening?”

Dean nods. He’s thinking of Cas’ hand on his knee, his drunken voice whispering to him even though no one else is around. He’s thinking of his own hands on Cas’ cheek, blaming the cold mountain air and the beer he just gulped down. He thinks of Cas fast asleep against the window. Waking up covered in Cas’ trenchcoat because it got cold in the night and Cas was already wearing a sweater. Dean’s sweater. He’s thinking about laughing uncontrollably in a waffle joint, and buying each other souvenirs in gas stations in the middle of nowhere. He’s thinking about Cas, looking at him like he always has. They haven’t said it yet. But It could be love. Dean thinks… 

This is it for him.

This could be the rest of their lives, and god fucking dammit, they deserve this. He tells Sam, who he realizes he’s left hanging for a moment.

“I deserve this.” It comes out sounding unsure, so he repeats it. “We deserve this.” It sounds more confident, but not any less scared.

“Dean, of course you deserve this.”

“I should have done this sooner.”

“The road trip? Or Cas?”

“Cas.”

“Yeah, you should’ve. I’ve been waiting for this for a decade.” Sam teases gently. 

“Yeah yeah. I haven’t technically talked to him yet, not about… that.”

“You will though, right?”

“Yeah. I don’t think we can back out now.”

“Good. I will kill you myself if you don’t come home as a newlywed.”

“Shut up,”

“Fine, alright,” Sam laughs. “I’m happy for you Dean. Really. I am.”

“Thanks, Sam.” Dean says.

That night they have pizza and Dean turns down the TV volume and sets up their food on the motel bed. They eat, dropping crumbs and pizza sauceon the sheets and Cas doesn’t complain, it’s his bed, but Dean complains for him, even though he won’t be the one sleeping there.

“You’re gonna have to sleep here, man.”

“I’m not the one who dropped his entire pizza slice upside down on the pillows,”

“It was an accident.” Dean protests.

“was it?” Cas says with a deep voice, eyes serious but he’s teasing, eyebrow raised, and Dean laughs. 

“It was, but you could always just stay with me in the other bed.” Another line crossed. Deliberate flirting. Dean’s heart beats wildly and Cas rolls his eyes, but his cheeks are red and he’s smiling.

A while later, they’ve both showered and changed and have moved over to Dean’s bed to watch TV since Cas’ bed still has rice in it. 

Dean slips his arm around Cas’ shoulders easily, his heart pounding, but Cas simply snuggles closer, wedging his arm under Dean and around his waist. Suddenly it’s not casual anymore. It’s deliberate. Dean’s afraid to move, he can feel Cas’ chest rising and falling next to his own. After a few minutes, he relaxes, softening into Cas’ side. Eventually Dean switches the channel, trying to find something decent. But Cas takes the switcher and puts it back on Animal Planet. Then he turns the volume all the way down.

“Everything alright?” Dean asks. Cas nods, extracting himself only a little bit from Dean’s side so he can look Dean in the eyes without being pressed up against him.

“I love you, Dean.”

“Cas,”

“I don’t expect you to say it back… I just need you to know. You’ve changed me. From the minute I pulled you out of hell, you made me… see humanity more completely. You taught me compassion and- and kindness, and love.”

Dean stares at Cas, shocked, and barely seconds have passed before Cas is pulling his arm away from Dean.

“If I’ve misread things…”

“You haven’t,” Dean says quickly. Dean’s at a loss for words though, so instead he leans in, one hand on Cas’ hip, the other on his cheek, and he kisses him. 

Kissing Cas is indescribable. It’s everything they’ve felt for each other for the past ten years, it’s soft and gentle, and heavy, crashing down on them slowly, and Dean pulls away, leaning his head against Cas’.

“I love you too.” He says. Cas pulls him back into a kiss. A few minutes later, Dean pulls away again. “You know, your bed still has pizza sauce in it. You could always take up that offer to share with me,”

And so they both sleep in Dean’s bed that night.

By that time next week, they’re pulling into the garage of the bunker, Sam pulls his brother into a hug right away and then Cas. They give Eileen hugs too, and hanging up his jacket, Dean sees a leash on one of the hooks by the door. He points at it, narrowing his eyes at Sam.

“His name is Miracle. He’s staying.”

Little does Sam know, Miracle will soon begin to favor Dean’s bed to the pile of blankets on the ground, even though Cas, Dean, and a dog don’t all fit into one small bed.

Eventually, they get a bigger bed, and Sam moves out. He gets a place with Eileen and they don’t stop hunting entirely, but they settle down enough to ease Dean’s worries. Dean and Cas do settle down for the most part. The bunker becomes kind of a hideout for trusted hunters. People call with questions and Dean and Cas answer best they can. Dean gets a job as a mechanic and Cas starts a garden. Technically, with Charlie’s credit card trick, neither of them needs a job, but Dean thought it would be a good use of time. Plus it makes coming home to Cas feel that much nicer.

Jack visits often, unable to interfere still, but he’s their kid, he’s family. So they celebrate holidays and birthdays and they have family dinners with everyone, including Jody and the girls, they have a life now. Hunting will never be gone for good, but Dean doesn’t think he’ll have to die at the hands of something set to kill.

He won't go out swinging. He has a full life still ahead of him, Cas by his side, his brother down the road, his family not so far away. 

It's what he deserves. And damn, does it feel good.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!! Feedback and comments are welcomed! 
> 
> I hope you have a wonderful day/night <3


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